"The only Constant in the Universe is change."
Heraklit
Blog
Why don't I do the scary thing?
To decipher why you are scared to do something is absolutely necessary to decide if you should do it or not. Sometimes fear, or being uncomfortable is very much a sign that this thing you’re trying to do is not right for you, but sometimes the fear stems from something you had to once live trough but is no longer a reality. To differentiate the cause of your negative feelings between ‘now a reality’ and ‘was once a reality’ can help you to decide what to do. This is not always easy and can come with the risk of feeling overwhelmed, so proceed with caution and your best judgement.
Some time ago I’ve heard someone say, that, when the thought of not doing the scary thing feels worse than doing it, it is a sure sign that you should do it. When I’ve had to decide something that scared me, it could happen, that the thought of not doing it felt exactly as uncomfortable as the thought of doing it. So even though I’ve had that piece of advice of what to do in such situations, the outcome was not as clear as I expected.
It took me a little longer to learn what I could do, when the described technique did not work for me. What I found out was, that when your nervous system has an experience that it can’t handle (yet), it will produce a reaction to similar situations that is designed to avoid them when possible. The crux here is, that you most likely do not know when this reaction is triggered and why. So, all you can do in this moment is noticing how you react. Then you can analyze if your reaction is appropriate to what the situation is.
It can be tricky to do all that in those moments, you can also later reflect about it, when your feelings are not as prominent. When you decide that your reaction was exactly what the situation called for, good. You acted precisely as you should. But when you come to the conclusion that your behavior or feelings are disproportional to the situation, you can think about the first time that you remember when a situation made you feel this way. This helps to separate the current event from the ‘old’ feelings. Now this separation between the two should create enough distance for you to differentiate if you are actually scared about the thing you want to do. And even if you are still a little scared, which is very much okay, you can do it scared. That is always an option. I find that it creates more freedom to know those things about yourself and helps you navigate future situations more easily.
Here a little disclaimer:
With some topics it is safer to have someone who can guide you trough this process. If you feel that it could benefit you, I am happy to support you on your journey.
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Where can I find my own strength?
It happened again and again to me, where I saw someone do amazing things. Some were talent based and some were a product of hard work and dedication. It always stunned me to see someone excel at something, may it be playing the piano extraordinarily well, or building something with such intricate details that I would have deemed it impossible to do so if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes. Witnessing such greatness can raise the question what talents oneself has. It happened to me more times than I like to admit, that I didn’t had an answer to that question. This realization was not exactly pleasant. But also, it wasn’t really true.
When we look back at the life we lived so far, we tend to look at the big accomplishments and the big failures and we also tend to look at those things in relation to experiences people around us had. So, when we look at these memories, we don’t usually do that neutrally.
So far, I’ve never met someone who has no strength, everyone had something they were exceptionally good at. I just find that the person who has the hardest time to notice their talents is the person itself.
So, what to do about that? I think a very effective and fairly quick way to find out what you are good at is to focus on the little things in life. Big strengths hide sometimes behind things we deem to small to give that much attention to. Take your everyday life and see if you can spot things that you are good at. Those things don’t have to seem like they have anything in common. If you want to be very thorough, you can write them down. It only takes a quick note. Maybe you can load the dishwasher very efficiently or listen compassionately whilst your friend tells you for the sixtieth time about their horrible ex-boyfriend. Collect these little moments for a while, it wont take long until you have a pretty substantial list. By reading your list you can decipher a direction. The things that come easily to you will have something in common. Maybe it is precise organization involved, or visual thinking is something you are good at, perhaps your strength is working with your hands or even literal strength.
Some time ago I’ve heard someone say something to me that struck me quite deeply. I don’t know who said or wrote that originally, but it goes like this: Diligence strikes talent, when talent does not show diligence. This means, when we don’t foster our strengths, they disintegrate. And to foster them, we have to know them.
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How to start the Year on the right note
New year resolutions. Those are set with the ambition and motivation to make the next year far greater than the last one. This intention is honorable and a good start. Why it doesn’t always last more than a few months is one of the bigger questions this time of year. And really, it’s kind of an easy answer. Most times we want to shoot high and are not very kind to ourselves.
To set new year resolutions and goals that you can hold up and achieve the whole year and not just a few weeks is something I thought about for quite some time now and here is what I came up with: I start with reflecting about the intentions I’ve set for myself last year. Were they realistic? Were they set with kindness directed at myself? If yes, great! If no, think about what the intention is behind them. Why do I want to go to the Gym five times a week this Year? What stands behind this idea, what need shall this new behavior fulfill? What does, in this case, being fit, represent?
If you find that out, you can rephrase that goal so, that there swings a big portion of kindness with it. So maybe being fit represents to you being strong and feeling better in your body. Ask yourself, would the thought of five days a week in the Gym feel like that? Again, if yes, wonderful! If no, what would you do if someone comes to you and asks, how they should start to live, if they wanted to feel strong and feel better in, their body? I would try to understand the circumstances they’re in. How much did they move they’re body so far. Have they much time or not? Are there any illnesses, maybe even chronic ones? All that has to be considered when you set a plan for someone else. After all it is designed so the person can stick to it. But do you do that for yourself?
I myself forgot year after year that I would never treat anyone like I do when I make plans for myself for the new year. Perhaps I should take my behavior towards other people as an example to treat myself the same and not be as strict with myself. Last year I was convinced, that I set great goals for myself. And for part of that List this was actually true. But not all I wrote was realistic, which lead inevitably to the failure of that goal. To be honest, sometimes we won’t achieve what we want, and that is okay. But every one of us deserves to be treated kindly, especially by ourselves.
So, let’s start by setting new year resolutions with kindness in mind. It will be so much easier to stick to them no matter what they are.
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